I don't know when I wrote this - probably in 2021 or 2022 

                 As I sit on my front porch and attempt to get mindful. I really want to get deep inside my own head and see who I really am. What makes me tick. There is a spot on the wall that I like to use as a focal point. I could just sit and stare at it for hours. I get real quiet and just let my mind wander. At first it is nice, I feel like I am laying in a crystal body of water and just letting the sunshine down on me. Its soft and peaceful and no one can harm me, as long as I stay within the bounds of what my brain will allow. As soon as I am truly comfortable in the stillness and silence that is when the thoughts start to come. Sometimes I am unclear if the thoughts are my inner demons or the neighbors in the distance talking about how much they don’t understand me or question what I am doing. I am pretty sure that is not an outside voice because I know that I am of little importance to anyone that is not me. The sounds of the voices I hear always question what I am doing or why I am doing it. They pay no mind to the fact that I am just trying to get from one spot to the next. Sometimes for fun I like to play a real dialogue, like if the negative voices could form a body and confront me to my face. What would I say to the person that feels the need to pointlessly insult me. I have been doing reading about shame and vulnerability sometimes I like to play out that I have turned the tables. I like to think how fun it would be if someone were to come up to me and try to put me in a shame storm and I was able to take the words they sling at me and toss them back with a little more force and see what would happen to them. I think I do this because I was always the one that was afraid to stand up for myself when I was bullied in my formative years. I know that I cannot turn back the tape, as much as I would like a second chance to be that stronger person. I also wonder if those inner voices did come to life if I would even have the conviction to stand up for myself, even today after all the work I have done to improve my self worth. When I was first learning about meditation, I was told about rolling thoughts, but I always assumed them to be thoughts like “What do I have to do today”, “What will I eat for dinner”, “I wonder if I did that paper right”. I never imagined that my rolling thoughts could be so painful and in such a real dialogue that would tell me that I am not good enough. I mean I guess that makes sense because all day I must remind myself to be nice to me and not to say those bad things about everything I do and think. So, I guess it makes sense that when I am trying to meditate that my rolling thoughts would reflect that inner turmoil. I just hoped that my inner thoughts might try to be a little more peaceful and kinder. I sometimes wonder if this is what mediation is like for everyone why are Buddhist monks so into it? But I guess a Buddhist monk didn’t have to live their life in fear that the were born wrong or that everything they do is the wrong choice and that because they didn’t do something in high school, they will end up never finding love or connection ultimately dying alone and scared that their life really had no meaning. See there I go again; I can’t stop myself more than half the time. I get myself into these spirals and there is no light insight for what seems miles. So here I am still sitting on the porch thinking to myself why don’t you write this down it might make you feel just a little bit better. Guess what?!? Wrong again I feel no better instead I feel like I am judging myself for my inability to write or think or both I don’t even know why I cry anymore. I cried the other night for over an hour with no reason or maybe just not knowing the reason. Is that dumb? I don’t know maybe I am right about myself, maybe I am dumb. Maybe school is wasted on me and that I am wasting my time and life. ARRAGAGAGQOAHGF;AIF (That’s me screaming) Maybe I wonder what would happen if I just lifted my hands off my computer and see what happens. What would happen if I climbed on top of my house and swan dove into the street – who would notice or more importantly who would even give half a shit (other than the person that had to spray the street down to remove my blood and guts from the path of traffic). Well, I think this experiment failed and I think this makes me suck just a little bit more now. This will probably never get expanded on but only time will tell what I think is important in a few days, weeks or even months. Who knows if I will even last long enough to figure it out. I guess this isn’t the best way to start to tell my story, but this is where I am at right now. Isn’t that how these things are supposed to begin? We look at where we are right now and then say – “How did I get here?” then we see a rewinding of the tape. We see our lives reverse before our eyes then we start at the beginning of what we can even remember and slowly and analytically watch every moment that we lived. I think for me it will I might need something to cover my eyes during the scary parts. I also think that my eyes might be covered a lot if I am being truly honest with myself – which let’s be real I am barely honest with myself no wonder I don’t know where the truth is when I am trying to connect with others.