I thought that it was going to be a day that would thrust my life forward. I had all the expectations thatI would be leaving the doctor’s office with a surgery date and a smile on my face. That was not what happened. Instead, my life was devastated and heart was popped like a balloon when the doctor told me that I would need more laser and had that he had no idea how much more. It is his job to know these things. I have done all that the things that he told me. I have worked so hard the last 2 years and I am not making any movement forward in this process. I just wanted to stop the process, stop looking forward to things. I feel like the more I look forward to things the easier it is to have them taken away from me. 

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Hearing Kwan say that I was not ready to move forward, brought be back to a place I used to live. A place where I was not good enough to be in a space. It reminded me of the backlash that I felt when I auditioned to be on dance team in high school and was told the only reason I got on the team was because I was the only non-female to audition. It brought be back to feeling of not being good enough and the reason that I was getting oboe jobs was because I was the only oboe to apply. No matter how hard I have worked to live in the musician world, I felt that I was not working hard enough. I constantly feel that I don’t belong in spaces because I am different, and at the same time I feel the reason that I am asked into the space is because of my difference. I do feel that I am just good enough to get in the door, and that I must constantly prove why I am allowed in the space. I sometimes feel that my offer through the door is because people don’t want to turn me away for fear of ostracizing me, and “bad publicity” around that - meaning how they will look (This makes sense in my head but not on paper). It is the feeling “we will bring you in, but you will not advance because you are only filling a quota”. This is how I feel that I am being treated by Kwan, like we will move you toward surgery to have you feel better so you won’t make a fuss, but we know the that we will not allow you to get to the finish line. I am sure this is all just a feeling in my mind. I am sure that he wants to do best by me and have the best surgical outcomes, but my heart is stubborn and will not listen to my brain.  

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I have found myself overcompensating for this let down. I feel that because I can’t ask people to do things for me, when I am asked to do something I must do it. I must do it timely, and I must do it correct. I don’t want others to feel like they can not rely on me, because I feel that I cannot rely on them. I don’t want anyone else to feel the lows that I feel. I don’t want the story that I tell myself to become the reality of others. As a result I must work harder, faster, smarter to get all of my work done on top of the work of others. I take it hard when I am unable to help, example being when I tried to draw a client’s blood and was unable to get any - I took it as a failure despite others coming to the same result due to his intravenous drug use.   

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As I saw myself in a stand still, I was deeply hurt but did not take the time to process what was going on. I did what I normally would do and put my head down, stuffed my feelings away and tried to keep on as if it did not hurt. I was sadly still feeling like I was on a stationary bike while others were on motorcycles. I did take some of these feeling out on someone at work. This person was asking me questions, and the right questions. I did not interpret them properly. I felt that he was asking questions to gain leverage and say that he cared as a manipulation. I have come to learn that he was being genuine, but I did not see that at the time. I turned cold and bitchy as a defense. Recently, I am proud to say that I apologized for my actions and he reported that he did not notice. Either he did not notice or that is just how kind he is. What I was realizing was that I was seeing him graduate college, and going on for his masters’ and I was standing still. I was back in the comparing stage, which was not only not fair to him, but it was not fair to me. We are not on the same journey, we are only in the physical place at the same time. It was not until I was writing this that I am realizing that at time I see him as a proxy to how I see my brother. They are both tall white men, and even though that is were the similarities end, I see him as praise-able and me as not