Feeling like nobody wants to play with me right now

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When I was a little kid growing up I was picked on by most people. This really began because I was picked on and beat up by my older brother and then others just joined suit. I was an easy target because I was different and I was so used to being beaten up that it came as second nature. I remember being the outcast that people did not want to play with. I have started to feel more comfortable alone. However, there are still days that I feel that no-one wants to play with me. When I feel like this I am reminded of a time when people didn’t want to play with me because of things that were told to them by others, and this makes me wonder if the reason people don’t want to do things with me now is some nefarious plot. I would like to think that people are not that evil, but sadly history has proven otherwise. When plans get canceled at the last minute I tend to shrug it off with a “no biggie” or “no worries”, when really I tend to be crushed. I don’t want to be crushed but I am. The reason I am crushed seems so obvious while I am writing this, but so far away in those crushing moments. The reason I am so hurt is because it is not often that I am invited to do things, mainly because I don’t have a ton of friends. I never want to express this to people for fear that it will keep them from inviting me in the future. Just because I have gotten used to being alone and at times enjoy doing things alone - does not mean that I want to be doing things alone all the time. I have the need for human contact and compassion just like everyone else. I am human after all. This also leads me to saying yes whenever I am invited for fear that if I say no today I will not get asked tomorrow. Sad right? I think I need to work on my self-esteem a little bit more.

 

I fear that I do not know how to be a friend along with not knowing how to make friends. I think that I go “all in” with my friendships and maybe that is why people might be turned off by me. I feel that I am forgettable and this leads me to remembering every little thing. I think I hold people to the same standards that I hold myself to, which given at times I can’t stay at that standard might be why I feel let down most of the time.

 

It just sucks when I am sucked back into my childhood part and thinking that people don’t want to play with me. I wish I could hold my younger-self and tell them that it will be ok. Doing things alone does not mean that you are lonely, and it can be beneficial at times to be able to move along at your own pace. I would tell them that in time you will learn that you are great and doing things alone is not scary, it is brave. And when you learn to do things alone you will accomplish great things and make moves in such a positive direction. You will learn that different is just that different not good nor bad and you are going to grow up to be an amazing person and the people that don’t see that inside of you are not worthy of your time because you are strong enough to be on your own and move through the world without the ties of negativity holding you back.